User blog:BeastMan14/Halloween Special: Capone's Speakeasy Hosts (Chapo Trap Houser) vs The Black Skulls (Mandy)
This Halloween, things take a turn for the occult as the Capone's Speakeasy Hosts, the hosts of the beloved political radio show who moonlight as detectives, take on their deadliest case yet! These boys may have taken on the supernatural deep state of Washington, but can they prevail against The Black Skulls, the demonic biker gang who terrorized the West Coast? To find out, we'll compare their weapons, abilities, and skills to determine the answer to the simple question: WHO...IS...DEADLIEST??? Intro Capone's Speakeasy Hosts Brought together largely out of distaste for the rest of society, the Capone's Speakeasy Hosts are the hosts of one of America's most popular radio shows, Capone's Speakeasy, where the trio and a variety of guests advocate for race science, ending women's suffrage, and that Robert "Fightin' Bob" La Follette would have won the 1924 Presidential Election, while also investigating strange conspiracies and supernatural sightings on the side. One night, the boys receive a message from their political enemy (and NeverCoolidge Conservative) the Baseball Rube, who warns of an Italian Catholic plot to capture the US presidency, with the conspiracy's base of operations apparently a local eatery called "Comet Pizzeria", located on property owned by Jewish writer David Brook, the mysterious Haitian Foundation, and landowner Fredrick Drumpf. Horrified at the concept of an Italian takeover, the hosts take the first train to Washington DC. Upon their arrival, the trio split up to investigate the pizzeria, with Felix checking the trash while William and Matthew look at the surreal art around the establishment. While Felix finds nothing, the two doctors fall under the sway of the delicious pizza, and all three are invited back to a special feast that night. Returning that night, Will and Matt take advantage of the host's fascination with Felix to investigate the kitchen, where they see the chefs inserting a mysterious substance into a "meat lovers" pizza. Demanding to know if it's laduanum, the two burst in, leading to a vicious fight in which they, with Felix's help, manage to win. With the staff neutralized, the trio head into the basement, which supposedly didn't exist, to find a variety of strange substances and a painting of the Pope. Behind the painting, they find a secret door, leading to a labratory where a strange, white-robed man is chanting ominously to a statue of Benito Mussolini. Even after being shot and stabbed in the throat, the man continues to chant, which a fascinated Will continues the chant and realizes the power of the cult, which worships the being Azazoth. Driven briefly mad, Will focuses his phrenology skills on Felix while Matt discovers chemist Albert Hoffman hiding in the lab. Under duress, Hoffman claims the substance to be thymarasol, a substance put into vaccines to control the populace, but Matt realizes that the true substance is flouride, which is also being used to control the masses. The trio reluctantly lets Hoffman go, concluding his future discoveries could be important. Retreating to the Watergate hotel, the detectives patch up their wounds and prepare for an upcoming art show at the Federal Reserve, where the woman who created Comet Pizzeria's art will be in attendance. Confirming from a local fan that the substance is indeed flouride, they then head to a library to research David Brook, discovering him to be a mediocre writer in connection with major figures in the Democratic Party, including FDR, Al Smith, and Giovanni Podesta, a major campaign strategist. Through their research, the group realizes that not only will Podesta be attending the art show, but the show coincides with the arrival of a comet that famously spells doom for enemies of the Church. On the night of the show, Will and Matt ambush an old couple to steal their invitations, while Felix blackmails Col. Kurt Schlinter, a potentially treasonous officer in the army, to get in. Upon arriving at the party, they are horrified to discover Italians and Irish mingling with notable Protestant leaders, alongside bathroom attendants inexplicably collecting the urine of guests who use the bathrooms. Splitting throughout the party, the group investigates the party, with Will inspecting the paintings scattered throughout the party while Matt and Felix find a service elevator in the kitchen. Heading downstairs, the group reconvenes to find a bizarre ritual involving the milking of several important figures in government, and is nearly driven mad in the process, before stumbling onto the real ritual, where Podesta, wearing the same robes from Comet Pizzeria, uses the various fluids collected from the show to summon a horrific, three-legged entity with tentacles for hair. Matt and Will are driven mad at the sight of it, with Will losing control of his legs while Matt hallucinates Felix as his twin brother and resolves to kill him once and for all. While Will tries to wrestle Podesta to the ground, Felix knocks out Matt and then shoots Podesta twice in the chest, critically injuring him. Before he can finish him off, the crowd turns on the group and throws them out, but not before they witness the creature shapeshift into a young, charismatic Irish-American man who vows to turn the country over to the Vatican. Defeated, the trio return to Will's estate to read a piece by journalist Kristoph Cilliza, who talks about the newfound successes of the Kennedy family, and resolves to keep working in hopes of bringing down the cult. Members: Dr. William Hackenbush = A renowned expert on race science and phreonologist educated at Massachusetts's famous Miskatonic University, William Hackenbush is a Ra-worshipping Hotep and host of the show, who uses the duties of hosting and the investigations to distract himself from the annoyances of his sexless marriage and his idiotic son Cody. |-| Felix Cumtree = The proud son of wealthy protestants and proto-sports radio host, Felix Cumtree is a highly-decorated veteran of World War I. In reality, Felix's war was fought at the desk, but he quickly began falsifying stories (or "stealing valor") when he returned home, and now he'll proudly flaunt his efforts while challenging anyone to prove him otherwise. |-| Dr. Matthew Pennyfarthing = A disgraced 60-year-old surgeon from Kansas, Matthew Pennyfarthing was drummed out of the profession after he horribly mutilated several farmers while operating on an ether binge. Matthew fled to the city to indulge in perversions (namely his enthusiasm for women's shows) while working through his ether addiction, often using his time on the show to flaunt his membership of the Prohibition Party. The Black Skulls At one point in their lives simple bikers who worked as drugrunners, everything changed for the Black Skulls once they befriended the Chemist, who gave them a special batch of LSD that permanently broke their minds, turning them into depraved, cannibalistic monsters. At some point, the Chemist was captured by the Children of the New Dawn, a hippie cult led by Jeremiah Sand, and he supplied them with the Horn of Abraxas, an apparently magical horn that can summon the Black Skulls to do the wielder's bidding. Trapped into servitude, the Black Skulls followed the Children on a path of destruction throughout the West Coast, slaughtering prostitutes, truckers, and anyone unfortunate to draw Sand's attention. One day, Sand became attracted to Mandy Bloom, a store-clerk and artist who lived with her boyfriend, logger/ex-hunter Red Miller, in a secluded cabin in the woods. Sand ordered his top disciple, Brother Swan, to capture her for him, and Swan summoned the Black Skulls, who agreed to do so in return for a sacrifice, namely the cult's overweight member. Their bloodlust sated, the Skulls broke into Mandy and Red's cabin, subdued Red, then brought Mandy before Jeremiah, who attempted to seduce her, only for her to mock his arrogance. Enraged, Jeremiah burned Mandy alive in front of Red, then left. Red, who had survived the ordeal, reacquired his old weapons, tracked down the Skulls and killed one of their members before allowing himself to be captured, then broke free, wiping out the Skulls in a brutal fight. After killing them, Red sampled the Skull's LSD, using his hallucinations to track down the Chemist, who gave him the whereabouts of the Children of the New Dawn, enabling Red to hunt them down and avenge Mandy's death, crushing Jeremiah's skull with the same strength the Skulls showcased. Weapons, Equipment, and Abilities Capone's Speakeasy Hosts Dr. William Hackenbush = Weapons and Equipment: *'Asteroid Fragment': A magical piece of an asteroid Hackenbush discovered as a child, the fragment glows and hums ominously in the presence of dark magic, and hangs William's belt as a warning device. *'Derringers': Gifted to him by his sister, Hackenbush wield a series of derringers in combat. They are small, one-shot, pistols that resemble flintlocks, and Hackenbush appears to carry several. *'Calipers': Used to measure the size and dimension's of subjects skulls, Will always carries his trusty calipers wherever he goes. Abilities: *'Skilled Phrenologist': As one of the foremost practitioners of race science, Hackenbush is capable of easily recognizing the ethnic makeup of a subject after only a few moment's of analyzation. *'Occult Knowledge': A devout follower of Ra and expert in numerous occult studies, Hackenbush is highly intelligent in terms of the inner workings of the various cults and the beings they worship. *'Premonitions': When confronted with especially dark acts or omens, Will will often lapse into visions of future events, though they're often nondescript and not particularly helpful as more than a warning. *'Mental Willpower': By focusing and concentration, Hackenbush can often overcome fits of madness or possession. *'Passionate Fanbase': As the showrunner and beloved host, Hackenbush is in regular communication with fans of Capone's Speakeasy, who assist in cases by giving them clues or resources if the Hosts are in the area. Weakness: *'Opium Addiction': Like most responsible men of the era, Hackenbush suffers from an addiction to opium, and he carries around several bottles of the substance to avoid going into withdrawals. |-| Felix Cumtree = Weapons and Equipment: *'Colt M1911A1': Felix's beloved and trusted sidearm, the Colt M1911 is a semi-automatic handgun with 7 rounds per clip and a range of around 70 meters. Abilities: *'Immense Charisma': Years of lying have honed Felix's ability to deceive others, and he can easily charm and befriend people that would be otherwise suspicious or skeptical of his feats in combat. *'Expert Marksman': Felix is an excellent shot, capable of landing two near-fatal blows on Podesta during the ritual, and landing two headshots during the brawl at the Feast. *'Skilled H2H Combatant': Felix has self-taught himself an early form of mixed martial arts and wrestling, and he's used it to expertly disable and knock out enemies much larger and stronger than him with little effort. *'Expert in Spoken Word Jazz': As the grandfather of Marshall Mathers, Felix has perfected the artform of "White Spoken Word Jazz", a form of music performed entirely with your mouth that can be used to intimidate enemies into retreating, if not outright surrender. *'Mental Willpower': Felix has perhaps the strongest mind of the three hosts, as he was the only one capable of gazing upon the monster summoned by the cult and walking away without briefly losing his mind. Weakness: *'Slight Limp': Felix's self-inflicted gunshot wound left him with a slight limp that hampers his physicality, but the Purple Heart he received was worth it. |-| Dr. Matthew Pennyfarthing = Weapons and Equipment: *'Swordcane': Matthew carries a hidden rapier in his cane as a way of surprising attackers. *'Earhorn': Under the cover of failing hearing, Matthew also carries an earhorn that enables him to listen in on conversations from a distance. Abilities: *'Skilled Surgeon/Pharmacist': Matthew shows immense talent as a doctor, and he's been able to patch up vicious wounds with little in the way of equipment while easily identifying drugs from sight alone. *'Skilled Investigator': Matthew is an excellent detective, and using the meager resources at his disposal, he was able to uncover most of the Comet conspiracy on his own after a day of wandering around DC. *'Strong Duelist': Despite his age and lack of physical prowess, Matthew is a skilled enough swordsman to fight one of the Comet staff to a standstill, holding him off long enough for Felix and Will to intervene. Weakness: *'Age': Pennyfarthing is a man in his 60's, and as such, he's nowhere near as fast or strong as his much younger co-hosts, making him something of a burden in physical combat. Black Skulls Weapons and Equipment: *'Knives': The Black Skulls were shown to carry a variety of knives for combat, including switchblades, Bowie Knives, and hunting knives, and they even carried box cutters, one of which Red would steal and use to kill a Skull later. *'Bladed Codpiece': One of the Skulls was shown to be especially of using a bladed codpiece with which to rape and torture victims, though it's unclear if it ever used it in a fight. *'Double-Barreled Shotgun': For ranged combat, the codpiece Skull carried a sawed-off double-barreled shotgun, a single-shot shotgun with a range of less than 50 meters. *'Motorcycles': Most of the Skulls rode motorcycles as a form of transportation, though one of them drove an ATV, enabling them to take more off-road terrain. Abilities: *'Superhuman Strength': The constant drug use has made the Skulls much stronger than an average human, to the point where one was capable of easily lifting Red and smashing him through a glass table with one hand, while another was able to flip Red's truck by simply standing it's ground, though the impact did kill it. *'Superhuman Endurance/Pain Resistance': The Black Skulls are incredibly difficult to kill, with Caruthers even suggesting their minds are warped to the point where they enjoy pain. One Skull survived a crossbow shot to the chest and a fall off of a speeding ATV before finally dying when Red ran him over, while the leader of the gang literally laughed off a crossbow bolt through the neck, then survived being set on fire long enough to mock Red before being decapitated. Weakness: *'Lack of Awareness': The Black Skulls are surprisingly inattentive and short-sighted, likely a side-effect of being perpetually high on a mixture of drugs. When Red fought his way through the clubhouse, multiple Black Skulls were too distracted by torture, television, or simply staring at fire to notice his rampage until he was attacking them, enabling him to isolate them and fight them one-by-one. The Scenario When a beloved and massively influential senator's daughter catches the eye of Jeremiah Sand, he calls upon the services of the Black Skulls to have her prepared for his arrival. When the kidnapping is successful, the desperate and terrified Senator turns to the only supernatural investigators he can trust: the Capone's Speakeasy boys, who gladly take the case to prevent heretics from getting their hands on a powerful Protestant family. The potential objectives for each side are: Capone's Speakeasy Hosts = *Find the Senator's daughter *Successfully escape the Skulls with the daughter *Kill all the Black Skulls (optional) |-| Black Skulls = *Stop the Hosts from rescuing the daughter *Kill the Hosts (optional) Notes *Voting ends October 31st (Halloween!) *For those unsure of how to vote, take into account the scenario, write whether or not you think the warriors can accomplish an objective, and write a final verdict. *The Skulls will not be aware the Hosts are investigating them, nor will the Hosts be initially aware of the abilities or history of the Skulls. The Battle The sounds of crashing plates and yelling snapped Brother Swan out of his brief daze, and he stepped back into the lakehouse to see Mother Marlene, on the verge of tears, picking up a shattered plate off the floor of the hallway. Swan sighed as he walked up to her, ignoring Sister Lucy and the other cultists, and crouched down to help. Marlene, a woman far older than him, averted her eyes and worked faster before Swan grabbed her hand. "Mother, what troubles you?" She shook her head, taking a deep breath to ponder the question. "He's in one of his moods again, Brother Swan. It's no trouble, really. I shouldn't have-" Swan chuckled and stood back up as Marlene collected the last fragments of the plate. "It's alright. I'll talk to him, see what's ailing him today." As Marlene hurried down the hallway, Swan knocked and waited for the invitation. Sands hated people entering his room without his say-so, so he was certain that was what set him off. Or it could have been the numerous other things the old crone did on any particular day. Hard to tell with Sands sometimes. After what felt like an hour, Swan heard a low, quiet mumble of, "You may enter." and he stepped through the door to see Sands lying in bed, his robe open and hair flowing over the sides of the mattress, as a newspaper was strewn across his lap. Swan bowed his head, got to his knees, and crawled before his prophet, who continued to lay with his eyes closed. Swan smiled and took Sands's hand, laying an affectionate kiss on each knuckle before finally speaking. "My prophet, Mother Marlene informed me that something has disturbed you today. What is it, and how may I fix it?" Sands sighed and handed Swan the newspaper, the front page of which was titled "Senate Minority Leader Robinson Electrifies in Arkansas Speech". The picture below the headline was of a politician, presumably this "Robinson" speaking before a crowd, his wife and daughter by his side. "I've made a mistake, Brother Swan. It appears I've fallen in love once more." Swan squinted to see that Sands had circled the daughter's face. The girl was young, likely a teenager, but Swan knew Sands sometimes had...particular tastes. Reading some of the paper, Swan nodded, understanding what Sands desired. The Robinson family was to pass through the Mojave within the next few weeks, likely part of a tour for a 1928 presidential run on part of the father, and Sands wanted her. He folded the paper up and talked it into his coat pocket before turning to look at Sands, who stared at him intently, waiting for a response. "I understand, my lord, you want the girl. Shall I summon the Skulls to...collect her for you when the family arrives?" Sands's passive expression turned to one of rage. Swan had said the wrong response, clearly. "I don't want her taken when she gets here. I want her ready for me when I arrive!" That caught Swan off-guard. Sands wanted the girl captured by the Skulls and kept in their captivity? Until they arrived in Arkansas? "P-prophet, that's a week's travel, even in good conditions. You trust the Skulls to keep her safe until you arrive?" Sands sat up and began to pace the room, rubbing his head and mumbling to himself. He turned to look at Swan, intensity and annoyance mixing together. Swan was used to his moods at this point, but he only had inspiration like this once in a while, usually when a girl caught his eye. It was...oddly mesmerizing. He grabbed Swan by the sides of the head and looked him dead in the eye before answering, "If the Skulls touch a fucking hair on that girl's head, I'll flay the Chemist alive and those junkies will have to sweat out whatever horrible concoction broke their brains. I want that girl, and I will not wait for her to come to me in three weeks. I will come to her in one." Swan, mouth dry, swallowed and nodded furiously, "I will carry out your will tonight, prophet. What...what should we pay the Skulls?" Sands let go of his disciple's head and shrugged, a grin across his face. "I don't care how much blood they need. Give them whatever they desire. Now, leave. I must...contemplate God's will for her and I's consummation." Swan, head lowered, nodded and headed out the door. He needed to find the Horn of Abraxas, and he needed to gather the other materials to satisfy the Skulls. It was going to be a long day, and an even more stressful night, but so long as Sands's will was carried out, he was pleased. ---- Brother Klopek pulled the van up into the clearing, the lights barely illuminating the area directly in front of him before turning to look at Swan, who surveyed the area and nodded. Stopping the van, Klopek tried to ignore the chills down his spine and leaned back, watching the fog roll past the window. He heard the pop of the glovebox as Swan grabbed the Horn of Abraxas and the ceremonial goblet, and nodded quietly when he ordered, "Keep the van running." The door slammed shut, and Swan was gone, stepping into the field. After a few moments, he heard the quiet, haunting hum of the Horn, and he watched, interest piqued, as the fog took on an ominous red tint as the roar of motorcycles echoed in the distance. Within moments, six sets of lights appeared, and Klopek could see the shadowy forms of the Black Skulls through the mists. He didn't know why, but he felt the urge to sink in his seat and hope they didn't see him. Swan sighed as the leader of the Skulls, a towering brute covered in spikes, stepped forward and extended his hand. Swan, averting his eyes, offered him the goblet, and listened as they hungrily drank the liquid, a pale mix of pig's blood and more of the Chemist's vile drugs. Blood dribbling down his chin, the Skull let the goblet fall and growled, "Speak." Drawing the picture of the girl from his coat pocket, Swan handed it to the Skull and did his best to keep eye contact. "Sands wants this girl kept for him. You are to take her and keep her with you until we arrive. She will not be harmed or touched. Understood?" The Skull stared at the picture before crumpling it in his hand and glaring at Swan. "We ride...to Arkansas? For what?" With a smile, Swan reached out and tapped on the men standing in the background of the picture. "The girl is ours, but the men guarding her? They're all yours. Blood for blood." The Skull, satisfied, nodded and walked back to his bike. With a roar, he and the other Skulls drove back into the fog, vanishing as soon as they had arrived. Swan waited for the bikes to stop, then climbed back into the van and gestured for the shaken Klopek to drive. It was all about waiting now. Category:Blog posts